Winter blues timewarp

You know that song "I Left My Heart in San Francisco"? Yeah, my version would be "I Left My Brain in Colorado."

I am all about beating the mid-winter blues by taking a vacation ANYWHERE. But timing is essential. Two years ago, we took a cruise in November, before the Holiday/Birthday Craziness. It was the best week EVER, but the following 3 months were straight from you-know-where. It's hard to come back to reality after that one.

So next time we do a winter vacay, it's gonna be in February again, I'm sure. But that doesn't make the weeks after any better. We've had 2 ski trips, 3 or 4 illnesses, lots of snow days and somebody turned our normal crazy up to 11. I'm about full up, thanks.

The result of all of our fun escapes is that I feel like I am eternally behind. I mean, I have two small children so I am always behind, but even more so now. Example? Monday is normally laundry day. I spend my morning shoveling clothes through the machines and by the afternoon, everything is through (or close to it). Then the clothes sit and sit and sit, until about Wednesday, when I start folding. Thursday we start digging for clean items from the pile. By Sunday I'm putting stuff away so I can have the baskets empty for laundry day. And we start the cycle all over again.

But today is Friday AND I AM JUST STARTING LAUNDRY. This is not good. This means I have to do my normal "shove 12 loads of clothes/towels/sheets/etc. into two craptastic machines in the shortest amount of time," but my folding and putting away time is totally screwed. I may have to actually do it... *gulp* ...today!

Now that's just crazy talk.

Maybe I left my sanity in Colorado too...

...if I ever had it to begin with.

The laundry fairy's twin sister?

My neighbor has admitted that the laundry fairy may have suffocated in her laundry room. 

Damn. So I guess that means I have to do it all myself. 

Until the laundry fairy's demise can be confirmed, I am enacting a new policy: If it smells clean, it is clean. If it's iffy, spray it with Febreeze. If it's dirty, don't plan on wearing it anytime soon.

A good friend is helping me rustle up some high school-aged babysitters for my monkeys, but in the meantime she bailed me out. I'm not sure who will be more ready for bedtime, her or my kids. She's a helpful empty-nester like that. 

I told her to stay away from my laundry. I know it's bad and my laundry room is frightening. I want her to respect me in the morning. And I'm not sure if any of Hubby's underwear has holes. And that's just sad. 

So in retribution, she cleaned up my kitchen and even LIT A CANDLE. Hubby raised an eyebrow as he looked around. I assured him it wasn't me. Dummy said without thinking, "Yeah I noticed."

Don't worry. He will pay for that one. 

I figured she stopped there, but oh no... Hubby and I went to the basement to watch basketball, I mean the State of the Union, I mean... uh... right. Anyhoo, I saw something I haven't seen in a long, long time. 

The carpet. 

The toy store yakkage that is normally covering every surface my little minions can reach - and some they can't - is neatly lined up against the wall. Like little angels were down here playing? Whuck? We may never play with those toys again. I may just have them come down here and sit on the floor to admire the neatness. 

Either that or my friend needs to move in. 

But not until I check our laundry for holes.

When Mommy starts talking to appliances...

Dear Clothes Dryer,

We need to talk. We've been together for years, but it's come to this. You see, there's something missing in our relationship. It's not me, it's you.

I give and I give and I give - clean, wet clothes to toss around and dry - and I get damp clothes in return. I clean your lint trap. I had Hubby check your vent to make sure it was clear. I don't use dryer sheets because my uncle said I was going to burn my house down. What more do you want from me?!

Maybe you don't understand where I'm coming from. I run a zoo. I have a husband. A son. A daughter. A cat. A dog. All of those beings make a mess of every single solitary surface in my house. I could clean from sunup to sundown daily and it wouldn't make a difference. Unfortunately, I can only put clothes in your neighbor and partner in grime, the washing machine. If I could put my poor, sippy-cup-leak-stained-fur-encrusted couch in there, you bet I would.

But I digress.

After almost 9 months of letting you have a go at every load of clothes twice, I've reached my breaking point. I spend the entire week washing, drying, drying, folding and putting clothes away to start the vicious cycle all over again. I can probably start using the sniff test on clothes to cut down on loads, but once warmer weather sets in and sweat, grass and mud become daily battles, that won't cut it.

Hubby is big on budgeting for the year, and he really didn't factor in kicking you to the curb in 2011. He thinks you should live a full, satisfying life that is LONGER than 6 years. I guess 5 if you count that you started sucking over the summer. I can only drool and visit your competition at Lowe's for so long before he can't stand it anymore. Just ask the dishwasher. Once it started running on its own, his days were numbered.

So shape up, Dryer. I don't know what RFM's Randy the Laundry Fairy has been telling you, but that guy is nothing but trouble.

I'll leave you with this.

Oh yeah. I went there. The younger man. He's bigger, faster, quieter and DRIER.

Momma B

Five Things

I really didn't have a coherent thought today.

Scratch that. I didn't have any USEFUL coherent thoughts today. "I really hate laundry" and "Damn I'm cold" don't count.

So here is a random list of things that have crossed my mind in the post-birthday-Christmas-New Years-birthday haze.

1) My cat thinks the half bath and connecting laundry room are HIS. Visitors are warned accordingly should they CLOSE the door to do their business.

He feels it necessary to hop onto the dryer, check his empty food bowl (because he's a pig and inhales it first thing in the morning), then mosey on over to my tiny counter to try to sit, walk, or otherwise fur-ify my clean laundry.

Next time he tries that, he folds.

2) I don't mind so much when my kids don't eat their Fruit Loops in the morning because of the way the garbage disposal smells afterward.

3) I never thought I would ever wear yoga pants for anything resembling actual yoga. Scary.

4) I wore two pairs of socks today. At the same time. Brr.

5) I still haven't finished the laundry. Only 3 more days before I have to start all over again.

Unless Tigger decides to start pulling his own weight.