Do I live here?

Tomorrow morning when I stumble downstairs for coffee, there is a very good chance I won't know where I am.

No, I don't plan on tying one on tonight and sleeping somewhere OTHER than my own comfy bed. I will be home sweet home with brandy-new carpet and a totally rearranged living room.

It's been a long time coming. We weren't very nice to our old carpet.

We moved in and didn't move the furniture for 6 years.

Within a few months of ownership, we brought home a beagle. She wasn't a puppy, but as a former co-worker warned me, "You never totally house train a beagle." 'Nuff said.

So the beagle would have a four-legged friend, we brought home a kitten and did NOT declaw him. He quickly figured out our back screen door lock does NOT work, and if he scratched at the carpet and door long enough, he could open it. He scratched it away to wood.

Then once we had house, dog, cat, jobs, we added kid to the mix. Cat was not a fan. But he dealt. When kid #2 came along 2 years later, Tigger majorly rebelled. When I would be occupied with that tiny, pink, screaming bundle, he would set himself up on the stairs and SCRATCH. Our stairs looked like they had mohawks. There was not a spot on the front of those darn stairs that was intact.

After that, any spill was just another nail in the poor carpet's coffin. Baby girl dropped the neighbor girl's PINK lipstick on the carpet a few weeks ago. I didn't even bother.

I would have to break out scissors to trim the stray "hairs" before I ran the sweeper because otherwise the strands would get caught. I haven't vacuumed next to the door in years.

But now that our living room is pretty and clean and soft and not scratched to heck, I will live in fear.

We just can't have nice things.

The "no shoe, no food, no drink, don't even look at the carpet wrong" rule will only last so long. I'm not my uncle, who will vacuum lines into his carpet and then walk the long way around his house so he won't leave footprints. He lives alone. I live in a zoo.

I may take bets on how long before something gets spilled or tracked. Maybe I can win and start the next new carpet fund.